Sunday, December 4, 2011

UNTITLED (The Next Part)

"So what do I tell the man that I love who doesn’t know what I feel?”  I started to say.

I smiled at him as if he could see my smile.  “I could tell you how my day went or I could tell you what’s on the news right now.”

“But I would rather tell you how much I miss you.  Of how much I miss us.”  My eyes welled up and my tears fell on their own accord.

“I really do want you to be happy and I know you are – with her.  But watching you with her, Rick, it is killing me.  And I couldn’t believe I just said that out loud!”  I didn’t really want to cry, but I couldn’t help myself.

“And I know… I know that saying this might make me the worst person in the world, but she is not your soul mate.”  I wanted to touch his face.

“I am, Rick.  I am your soul mate.”  I kissed his hand and held it close to my face as I closed my eyes.  I love this man so much!  And I feel my heart bleed for him, for me, and for us that will never be.


One Day Ago

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

Sheesh!  Why are they playing this song?  I said to myself.  I have nothing against Jason Mraz really, but this song hit close to home – of friendship and unrequited love – of my unrequited love.

I just arrived at our usual coffee shop.  I was 30 minutes early, which was really a first for me.  I am usually fashionably late.  Not that Rick minded anyway.  And I could still remember just how excited I was when I got a voicemail from him earlier.

“Hey Reg!  This is Rick.  I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.  Are you free for coffee later?  Would love to see you.  Same place?  6 pm?  I’ll be expecting you, you hear?  I won’t be taking no for an answer.  I need to tell you something.

I’ve listened to that voicemail message over and over and again and got overly excited.  I rummaged my closet, and it took me awhile to pick what to wear.

I laughed at myself.  I feel like I was a schoolgirl going out on her first date!

He wanted to tell me something.  That line got to me.  So tonight’s the night – a night of revelations – tonight I will finally tell him.

“How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all”

Two years – two whole years of loving him in silence.  I jealously watched the girls coming in and out of his life but relished on the fact that I was the only girl constant in his.

And I wonder, how do you start a conversation that could possibly alter your life forever?

And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him.  Even from a distance, I knew it was him.  That my heart recognized his presence was no surprise.  I am in love with this man after all.

He smiled and gave me a wave, and my heart skipped a beat.  I flashed him a smile and waved back.  I noted how my fingers were shaking.  I can do this!  I assured myself.  This is a piece of cake!

“Wow.  You are early.  Have you been waiting long?”  He said as he neared our table and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

“Two years…”  I suddenly said.  Sheesh!  Way to go Reg!

“What was that?”  I almost sighed with relief.  Good thing he didn’t catch that.

“Oh nothing!  What are you having?  I already ordered my coffee and cheesecake.”

“Oh yeah!  Cheesecake.  You don’t mind sharing, right?”  And he flashed me that killer grin of his.  My heart skipped a double beat.  “Wait… I’ll get myself some hot choco.  I will be right back.”

And there goes my guy…  I watched him approach the counter with a smile on my face.

“Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me”

“I need to tell you something.”  Funny how we both said the same thing at the exact same time.  We both laughed.

I was halfway through my coffee now.  I had a few fork bites of the cheesecake, but I ordered it mainly for him.  I knew it was his favorite.

“You first.”  He told me.

“No, you go first.  Mine can wait.”  This is it!

“Okay.  I have been wanting to tell you this for months!”

“Really?”  The moment that I have been waiting for!

“Yes.”  He reached for my hands and held them both in his.  “You know we have been friends for a long time, and you know how much I value our closeness.”

He squeezed my hands.  I smiled eagerly at him.

“Reg, I want to ask you something…”

“Go ahead…”  My heart was beating fast.

“Will you be my best man?  Or in your case, my best woman?”

Yes!  Yes!  Finally!  No, wait…  That doesn’t seem to be right.  I realized I must’ve heard it wrong.  “Wait…  What?”

“I’m proposing.  To Karen.”  Proposing?  To Karen?  He’s getting married?  Suddenly I felt my heart break a thousand times.

“She doesn’t know yet.  I’m so excited to tell her and nervous at the same time ----”

He continued talking.  I can barely hear what he was saying.  He is getting married.  That line seemed to echo in my head.

“So will you, Reg?  Please say yes!”

He is getting married to another woman, and he wants me to be by his side when he does?  What the fuck?!

“No!”  I blurted out loud.  I took my hands away from his.  I can’t do this!

“What?  Reg?”  I looked at Rick.  He looked so lost and confused.

“I’m sorry.   I can’t do this right now.  I have to go.”  And I didn’t wait for him to reply.  I just stood up, grabbed my bag, and walked away.  Fast.

Oh my god!  How could I have been so stupid?!  And here I thought…

I heard Rick call my name from behind me, but I was too involved in getting away.  I went out of the café fast really intent on not talking to him.

I’m so stupid!  I’m such a fool!  I thought it was me.  I thought finally…  And my tears finally fell.

“Reg!  Wait up!”  I heard him shouting.  I wiped out my tears with my hand.  I can’t let him catch up with me.  I can’t face him.  Not now.

I ran to avoid the cars in the busy street in an attempt to get to the other side.

“Reg!”  There was frustration in his voice but no I am not dealing with him right now.

Suddenly, I heard a loud screeching sound and someone screaming “Look out!”

That made me turn around just in time to see Rick – my Rick – getting hit by a car!  “Rrrriiiiicccccckkkkk!!!”  I screamed aloud.  In a split second, he was lying on the concrete.  I rushed to his side.  “Oh my god, Rick!  Oh my god!”

Police arrived at the scene.  I heard a policeman telling me the paramedics will be arriving in a few minutes.

“This is all my fault!  I am so sorry!  I am so sorry.”  I wish he could hear me.  With tears streaming down my face, I held Rick’s hand and prayed.

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