UNTITLED (The First Part)

I silently choked up tears as I watched him.

“I am so sorry.”  I wanted to tell him.

“It’s all my fault.”  I wanted to say.  But no words came out of my mouth.

I wanted to hold his hand and almost did but stopped myself short of doing it.

I gave in and touched his right hand.  Cold hand.  And the tears that were threatening to fall finally flowed freely out of me.  “Oh god, Rick…”

I began to sob.  “I am so sorry.”  “I am so sorry.”

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Two Years Ago

“I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night”

They’ve played this song over and over again.  I was slumped over a poolside chair.  I feel like my head’s swimming.  I should’ve just stayed up in our room and slept through the night.  So why am I down here again?  I wanted to ask myself.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Reg?”  Pam called out to me.  She was in the pool with another guy friend.

Oh yeah!  Now I remember.  I was supposedly going to swim with my friend but decided not to and just told her I’d watch over her instead.

“Come on and join us sis!  The water feels great!”  It definitely looks like Pam is enjoying herself, but I wasn’t really in the mood to take a dip.

“I’m good, Pam.”  I gave her a smile just so she won’t worry about me.  “I’ll watch you have fun.  Don’t you worry about me, sis.”  We’re not really sisters, but Pam and I are so close that it felt like we were.

My head throbbed again.  I need an aspirin.  I should’ve have listened to my conscience and avoided that last drink mix they gave me.  Maybe if I close my eyes for a bit, it will go away.  And I did just that.

“Hey Reg!”  I heard someone say.  I opened my eyes and looked up at the newcomer.  It was fairly dark where I was sitting, but I recognized him as one of the latecomers to this pool party.  A good-looking latecomer if I may add.  We got introduced earlier.

“Hi Rick!”  I smiled up at him.

“Mind if I sit?”  He motioned to the empty chair beside me.

“Oh I don’t mind.  I’d welcome the company.”  I told him.  He sat down, and I had to sit up straight.  I can’t have him thinking I sit like a slob.

“So why are you not in the pool with them?”  He asked.  Hmmn..  He maintains good eye contact.  I like that.  Mostly, guys in a party have wandering eyes roaming from one girl to the other, from one body part to another – but this guy’s different.

“I should be asking you that same question.  Me?  I just don’t feel like swimming.  Why aren’t you?”

He just shrugged.  “Didn’t feel like it either.”

“You didn’t want to get wet because the water would cause you to convulse and produce evil clones of yourself?”  The minute that got out of my mouth I wanted to take that back.  Sheesh!  What a lousy thing to say!

He laughed.  “I’m no gremlin!”  I felt relieved.  Good.  He has a sense of humor.  And he looks even cuter when he laughs.

“I know.  I was kidding.”  I smiled sheepishly.

“Nice sense of humor.  I like that.”

I felt myself blush.  It’s a good thing he couldn’t see.

“Hey you two!  It looks like you both need a drink.”  Another guy came to us with a big bottle of vodka in his hands and plastic cups in the other.  He handed two plastic cups to Rick and filled them halfway with vodka and then left.  Great!  Alcohol again.

“Here you go!”  Rick said as he handed me the other plastic cup he was holding.

“Oh no!  I think I’ve had more than I can handle.”

“Oh come on!  Last one?”

“Fine.  What the heck?”  I took the cup from him and downed the drink.  I felt my throat burn and almost gagged it all up but kept it in anyway.

I noted he did the same with his drink.

“How are you feeling?”  He asked.

“Like the room’s spinning yet again.”  I laughed.  “Low alcohol tolerance.  I don’t really drink.  They handed me a 3-layered drink earlier.  I forgot what that was called.  But that made the room spin!  So I made my escape and took a cold shower.”

“So that’s why you were MIA earlier!”

Was it just me or does his face seem closer to mine.  “Missing in action.  Yeah.  If they kept handing me drinks like that, I would’ve been crawling before nightfall or knocked out.”

He chuckled.  “You wouldn’t be alone.  I think they are more drunk than you would’ve been.”  He pointed to two guys knocked out on the pool table.  One of them was still holding the pool stick.

“Looks like the game got forfeited.”

Suddenly, with no warning at all, I felt his lips on mine.  I was taken aback at first but gave in and closed my eyes.  And yes, I kissed him back.

And I'm feelin', woohoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

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“Are you his fiancée?”  I heard a voice from behind me that brought me out of my reverie.  It was an elderly nurse.

“Oh, I-”  I started to say but she cut me off.

“Sorry if I startled you.  I just came in to check something in his chart.”  The nurse said as she entered the room.  She went straight to a table by the bed where the chart lay.

“That’s okay.”  I told her.  She seemed nice.  I gave her a smile.

I saw her check something on the chart by the bed.  I turned back my attention to Rick.  He looked so pale as he laid there on the hospital bed.  He had a bandage on his head and a few scratches and bruises, but other than that he still looked as handsome as ever.

I love this man.  And seeing him like this is breaking my heart.

“He’ll be okay, you know.”  I heard the nurse say reassuringly.  It was like she read my mind.  “The worst part is over.  Now all we need to do is wait for him to wake up from his coma.”

“I hope so.”  I smiled at her kind words.  “I really hope so.”

“You love him that much.”  What she said surprised me.  I was about to say something when she continued.  “Oh don’t deny it.  I can tell you know.”

She stood right next to me and took both of my hands and held them to hers.  Her hands were warm and soft.  “I may be old but I am wise, missy.  These old eyes have seen it all.  And I see love in you for him.”

What she said warmed my heart.  “Yes.  Yes, I do.  I do love him.”

She let go of both my hands.  “You can talk to him, you know.  There are medical evidences that say it is helpful to talk to coma victims.”

“Really, what do I say to him?”  I queried her.

“Anything you want.”  She gave Rick one long look and then turned her gaze back towards me.  “If it doesn’t help him, then maybe it will help you.”   She started to leave.

“Thank you, ma’am.”  I told her before she left the room entirely.

“Be strong, missy.”  She gave me one last look and then smiled encouragingly.  “For him.”

And I felt the kind nurse leave the room.

I was quiet for a moment or two – thinking about what the nurse just said.  I looked at Rick again.  I held his hand as I sit on the chair on the right side of his bed.

I took one long breath.  Okay.  I can do this.

“So what do I tell the man that I love who doesn’t know what I feel?”  I started to say.

I smiled at him as if he could see my smile.  “I could tell you how my day went or I could tell you what’s on the news right now.”

“But I would rather tell you how much I miss you.  Of how much I miss us.”  My eyes welled up and my tears fell on their own accord.

“I really do want you to be happy and I know you are – with her.  But watching you with her, Rick, it is killing me.  And I couldn’t believe I just said that out loud!”  I didn’t really want to cry, but I couldn’t help myself.

“And I know… I know that saying this might make me the worst person in the world, but she is not your soul mate.”  I wanted to touch his face.

“I am, Rick.  I am your soul mate.”  I kissed his hand and held it close to my face as I closed my eyes.  I love this man so much!  And I feel my heart bleed for him, for me, and for us that will never be.

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